Megalophobia

Relevant anecdote: One of my recurring nightmares as a child was being inside of a massive factory. Something about the sheer size of the gears and machinery terrified me.

I've only had one panic attack in my life. I don't mean that I got kinda of anxious and couldn't sleep. I mean that I was actually hyperventilating.  It was while I was in Korea clerking at a law firm the summer before my first LSAT. I was laying on the couch in my uncle's living room because the AC was stronger in there and my mind started wandering about the test that I had begun to study for. The LSAT determines which schools you get admitted to and how much scholarship money you're offered. Which determines which school you actually get into...which has a huge impact on whether you get a job and what kind of job you get if you're lucky enough to get one....which determines your quality of life....and panic attack. I had convinced myself that my ability to sit down and study logic games for a few hours a day would have a direct impact on my quality of life decades down the road. And the scary thing is that it was actually true.

The legal profession leaves very little room for "unique-ness." It's very formulaic. Test scores are translated into acceptances. Attendance is translated into grades. Grades are translated into jobs. Whatever unique qualities or talents you have to offer only matter after you've made the cut in terms of your grades and honors.

And so we come to one of the dilemmas of being a first-year law student. If you're informed about the nature of the game, you're in perpetual fear about how important your daily activities are in terms of their impact on your future. If you're not terrified, then it just means that you either 1. don't understand what's going on or 2. don't care enough.

I try to avoid looking at the big picture, because the big picture is as terrifying maze of uncertainty. I could slack off tonight...but that might become a habit...which could reduce my performance on my first-year exams...which could lead to unemployment. It's a very slippery slope. And thinking about it is terrifying. It's the massive factory all over again.

Call it the butterfly effect. Call it a slippery slope. Call it whatever you want, but the reality is that the time has ended for big picture thinking. Not this year. This year, we take it a day at a time. A class at a time. And we try not to look too far ahead.